“I love this glass. It holds the water admirably. When the sun shines on it, it reflects the light beautifully. When I tap it, it has a lovely ring. Yet for me, this glass is already broken. When the wind knocks it over or my elbow knocks it off the shelf and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ But when I understand that this glass is already broken, every minute with it is precious.” ~ Ajahn Chah
If you do not see the beauty in it, stop looking. -.-
If you do not see the beauty in it, stop looking. -.-
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Friday, July 3, 2015
Conundrum: admission of idiocy, openly knowing nothing, means understanding something.
I'll give you a minute to collect the scattered pieces of your blown mind from the floor and surrounding areas.
Good? I'll proceed.
Don't mind me,
I'm just strolling on the beach,
walking my pet fish.
Everything will turn out exactly how it is supposed to.
Digression: there have been a lot of ultimatum-esque absolutes in this post, id est "like it or not," et cetera. Deal with it? =)
"She is like an amusement park ride that people die on sometimes, but you still stand in line and strap yourself in, because everyone's a little bit crazy."
The prophetic streak continues, or maybe I'm still getting what I want? *cliché winky face*
The road trip was also an opportunity for her to get used to me being around. There were a few beautiful little moments, slivered between the chaos and hell-fire of toddlerdom. I spent most of the trip attempting to explain to TWO people that everything was going to be alright, when neither of them could understand me, for their own unique reasons. It was ............. fun. It was fun...like paying taxes is fun; like being forced to live in this delusional society is fun. Weeeeeee. =l
I joke because I have to. To quote a fellow cast member from the last show I ever did seven years ago: "I smile to keep from crying." In a world where everything has been said, claimed, or pissed on, I am attributing that quote entirely to her.
In all honesty, while my getting along with this girl, knee deep in the ruse, bordered on surreal, the child was a definite deterrent to my allowing anything more to develop. You simply can not take jumping into a relationship with someone who's got children lightly, for far deeper reasons than human selfishness: to take one on, you take on all. I say that, but I still live in a world where people don't understand me when I say I married my son when he was three.
Bottom line, at the end of this part of my story, I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't have children, and I saw this as the universe giving me a last chance to make the beautiful difference I have been denied for the last 15 or so years.
Obviously, this shot is a bit exaggerated in relation to the overall time-table, but this is happening. Hence my approaching the telling of this bit of my story in a matter somewhat more tragic and end-all, choking on the jokes and attempting to excuse the negative aspects, which are no more complex than those that exist with everyone, while forcing myself to learn something from whatever positive I can find. These are things we must do. I can make it work with anyone. Whether she can make it work with me is entirely up to her. I have, however, proven, through all my kicking and screaming, that I can endure whatever the universe throws at me. I still have a snapping point, I am still very much a human being and I still demand what I demand, but I couldn't script a better point to jump into whatever the universe holds next, whether it be the beautiful I demand, or the dysfunctional misery that others seem to be so proud of.......like I was for so long.
We spent a couple days in Santa Cruz with the beautiful souls I began this beautiful year with, and I was finally able to patronize Logos. I was immediately overwhelmed by this beautiful lingering connection to used books and music, and frustrated by the toddler timetable.
This is my all over the place, long-winded goodbye, with a tinge of sadness, and a glimmer of hope.
I am not giving up with the writing, mind you; I can't.
idiedatbirth.com (still under massive reconstruction), so I'm allowing that to evolve into the project that it was meant to be, with which there will be blogging on more of a project level, with maybe a brief overview of what I've been writing this whole time.
The mundane, daily meanderings, will transfer over to the empty lavanyamaya.blogspot/tumblr. Lavanyamaya is sanskrit for "consisting entirely of beauty," so I suppose that will happen when...well..... when it happens, as opposed to the current, "consisting entirely of drama and fear."
“Let the mind beware,
that though the flesh be bugged,
the circumstances of existence are pretty glorious.”
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Everything is changing.
I don't even know anymore.
Monday, May 25, 2015
I received a letter from a “concerned parent” regarding the tasteful nudes I had shot of their daughter causing a kind of upheaval in their family. Under normal circumstances I would go to whatever length I could to ensure that everyone is happy and content with the work, but, in this particular case, the daughter involved is 30 years old, which somewhat reduces a letter that I should respect to absolute absurdity. I did what a professional should do: I presented the concern to everyone involved, weighing the impact and opinion of everyone involved, gauging all possible solutions and results from choices made, and came to a conclusion that abided by the wishes of those directly impacted from the work. The conservative mind might view this as a kind of intellectual middle finger toward the wishes of the “wiser.” This was a decision not taken lightly, but a discussion I am sick to fucking death of having. If you don’t see the beauty in it, stop fucking looking at it, honestly.
I didn’t send it.
Tomorrow; old friends: the old me collides with the new me.
I have been missing from this; I have had a thousand and one things spinning through my mind like creative razor blades, severing anything and everything. Change is never easy; rewiring your brain is never easy. Change that involves a new paradigm, even if it’s one that you have been fighting your entire life for, is near impossible. What we “want” and what we have found comfort in wage war with each other in a mind already cluttered with epic, life altering paths to choose from. When a simple mind pops in to such a huge transition and seems to say, “bewbs!,” you can’t help but want to respond with the back of your hand to the side of their face and, after a lifetime of struggling against such juvenile observation, an unconscious, instinctual scream: “Shut the fuck up! I’ve got this.” I’ve spent every day of my life fighting to figure things out, and I hope that is a journey that never stops. I outgrew the ignorant, societal silliness when I was about seven, and developed an irrational hatred for those who don’t seem to understand what’s important: it has never been, nor will it ever be, what you are wearing or what you look like; all of that is temporal aesthetic, id est, only important to you, right now, because someone told you it was important; you have wasted your life on something that you didn’t decide upon, but followed upon. I “decided” to challenge mundane a long fucking time ago; I “decided” to demand extraordinary a long fucking time ago; I “decided” not to settle a long fucking time ago; and I “decided” to pull away every time simple minds attempted to grab me by the proverbial shirt and hold me back, under the suffocating tides of their quotidian reality. I would rather drown crossing the ocean, than die of boredom and fear, only daring to go out far enough to still allow my feet to reach the bed of shifting sediment below me.
These are the tangents.
When I put my foot down, it is on a plane that you don’t seem to understand exists.
Abre los ojos.
Everything in my mind is flickering at this point.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Lingering in the creative void between this and I don't know what. I suddenly hate the way I've treated photos. I suddenly notice the gradual hate. Hate. Why? I believe my boredom with photography and the human body drove me to do something different. I wanted to capture the world in a way that the human eye couldn't see it, when I should've simply been capturing the beauty that I find, not how I creatively filter the beauty. If everything is beautiful, then why do I change it so drastically? Anyone can press a shutter button; the art of a landscape is getting there; the art of shooting a model is being able to afford them or being fortunate enough to have them as friends; this is a cynical approach that I need to let go of, but it is reality for me: none of this is that difficult. How does one simply let go of practical reality and redefine it, and does the delusion lie in thinking your interpretation is better in some way, or thinking that life... boring, mundane life... is good enough?
For some unknown reason I was driven to capture this random tree near Sunken City. Why? It's just a fucking tree. Then K pointed out that she saw what looked like bodies with their arms reaching to the sky.
I don't know.